Serene chaos

Diary of a would be ME: Systematic marginalization and oral presentations

Wicked is this weekend, I’m not so smart. Sonia, Kat and the kids should be coming. Still super excited. Glad in a way, too. This week’s been kind of hard on me, not really talking much to the people I socialize with the most and then general crap from triggers and whatnot. Uh, this could potentially be triggering? Just very narrow views on racism and assimilation mentioned.

So, school: Some major tomfoolery and white privilege going on in my English Comp class along with this really interesting kid. As I’ve said before, English Comp has kind of turned into Feminism 101, which I’m totally kind of cool with. Not everyone is agreeing with the essays we’re reading on the same level that I’m agreeing with them on, but I’m finding the reactions interesting. On a communication level, things are hectic! God, I wish this was a hybrid of some sort because I don’t have the drive to speak the things that I write. Like, the words come out either wrong or too slow.

Take today for example: we’re discussing (what I’m assuming is an anthology) Colonize This! edited by Daisy Hernandez. We’ve read the first chapter that I just so kindly linked you (pages 17-28 written by Christina Tzintzun). And also we’ve read the chapter What Happens When Your Hood Is the Last Stop on the White Flight Express (pages 54-70 written by Taigi Smith) which, unfortunately is not available online. Just a note: I’ll probably be buying this book when I have the funds.

We have some students who don’t necessarily agree with the arguments made in each of the stories. A couple called Taigi Smith hypocritical and contradictory (I can’t remember what the third one was), another stated that she was assimilating herself into white culture while trying to keep her own, in a way. Taigi Smith’s article/chapter what have you, is really a transitioning stage in her life where she is questioning herself, she’s grappling with gentrification and the fact that she has gained class mobility. I mean. Look, I don’t want to overgeneralize, but it’s transitory, in my eyes. I have to learn this kid’s name, I’m terrible with names. He’s very well read in black and white culture and history. (Which, in a discussion on feminism, is freaking fantastic.)

I, too, am in a transitory stage, I’m currently delving into what it means to be Latina, Mexican-American, Hispanic, Spanish, Mestizo. I engaged this guy and do not misunderstand me, he is very intelligent and well read. I got totally beat down. Like, on a personal level. Verbally speaking, that is. From what I gather, he has a black and white picture of racism/culture/history. And while it’s good to have that as background knowledge, there is more to the photograph than just the black and the white, there is also the brown. (When I say brown, I’m not just talking about Latinos, Mexicans, Hispanics or Mestizos. I’m talking about all of the other marginalized people who can’t identify as either white or black, racially.) Brown is a gray area. Some people don’t recognize it at all. Others are fighting to define it.

When I say this guy attacked me on a personal level, I mean that I was trying to say that his use of assimilation was probably too broad of a term to use. But, I totally suck with expressing my thoughts orally. I’m slower when I speak because I want to use the right words. I want to have the proper diction. It looks like that’s going to be my main hindrance with speaking with this guy. (Cool guy, totally cool guy, just passionate.) He asked me what I call myself, I replied Latina. He went to the roots of Latin Americans and made a claim of what was I, Italian? I corrected him with Spanish. He called me white. At this point I was infuriated because he was so passionate and quick with his words, it felt like I didn’t get the chance to defend myself. I corrected him again and claimed my Mestizo roots. My indigenous roots. The roots that I’m pretty positive I have but can’t prove because the records end in Mexico. He brought it back around to saying that I have assimilated into white culture. I didn’t know how to respond to that.

I still don’t.

Like I said, I think he has a very black and white perspective on things and frankly, I don’t identify with either one.

He systematically marginalized me. And when I didn’t fit his definition of black, I became white.

I guess this is where I should thank the professor, Mark. He brought us back to the topic at hand. I just. I don’t know. it’s been a while since I’ve been racially attacked, but this is the first time I’ve ever been put in a privileged position.

One awkward email later and I’ve done that. So, I think I’ve said about all I want to say on my English Comp class. I have a Psych exam tomorrow, the first real test from her covering seven chapters. I’m excited and nervous. Also: our oral exams have started in Spanish and thankfully I am spared until Monday. Unless she changes her mind. (This gives me the chance to devote my time to Psych.) Aaaand I’m tired of typing so I’ll write more tomorrow after the class.